


Changes Everything Deleted Scene: November 30, 1995, Hogwarts

by Maiasaura



Series: Changes Everything Universe [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 10:03:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6513682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maiasaura/pseuds/Maiasaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Let me give my love to you<br/>Let me take your hand<br/>And as we walk in the dimming light<br/>Oh darling understand </p><p>That everything<br/>Everything ends<br/>That everything<br/>Everything ends </p><p>Meet me on your best behavior<br/>Meet me at your worst<br/>For there will be no stone unturned<br/>Or bubble left to burst<br/>Let me lay beside you darling<br/>Let me be your man<br/>And let our bodies intertwine."  </p><p>~ Death Cab for Cutie, "Meet Me on the Equinox </p><p>The story of how Hermione and Harry got together from "Changes Everything."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Changes Everything Deleted Scene: November 30, 1995, Hogwarts

November 30, 1996, Hogwarts

**HARRY POV**

Where was I?

Where had I been?

Everything hurt. My legs hurt, my arms hurt, my chest hurt, my stomach hurt, my head hurt, and my god my lungs felt like they were on _fire_. Oh no.

No they weren’t on fire – the pain was just like it – were they – were they filled with _liquid_?

It did kind of feel like I was drowning.

_Well. More points in the ‘you’re worthless’ pile._

Now my lungs didn’t even work.

What was happening anyway?

All remembered was getting hit with a spell –

A spell from Lestrange. Perhaps I was dead. Could I be dead? Oh please, oh please, oh please – _please_ could I be dead? I’d love to be dead.

Dead meant never having to avoid her eyes again.

Dead meant never having to disappoint anyone else again.

Dead meant never having to ruin everything again.

Oh please – maybe I was dying – oh please let me be dying –

I opened my eyes – fuck – it was too easy to do so. I wasn’t dying. Fuck. God dammit.

_Can’t even die correctly, you piece of trash._

I looked around – I was in the Hospital Wing. Figures. They still cared about me for some reason. God dammit. Why did people keep burdening themselves with me?

Why was I important?

_Why couldn’t I just DIE?!_

I swallowed and regained myself. I looked around – there was Neville, he was asleep on the hospital bed next to me. He wasn’t hurt, he was just sleeping there – probably waiting for me to wake up – why were they still wasting their time on me? His arms were stretched out as though to hold someone – Maggie? Where was Maggie?

I looked around wildly for her, well weakly and wildly – my neck hurt, everything hurt, god dammit – and I couldn’t see her –

I jumped

She was here.

Hermione was here.

I looked her, asleep in a chair next to the bed, her hand holding aloft her head. She looked so adorable in the low light – it must have been night time. Why was she here? She hated me. Why was she here?

Oh god why was she here –

Was she going to forgive me just because I’d nearly died?

No no no no no no

_You’re so pathetic and useless you can’t even apologize in time, you dumbass_

_Asshole_

_Stinkin’ worthless white boy_

_Stinkin’ worthless heterosexual cisgendered piece of shit_

_You have all the privileges and advantages and you use that to manipulate the people around you like everyone else like you you piece of crap_

_You should just die_

_Should be easy now, now that you’re hurt, just gotta do something when they’re not looking – oh you have done it now you worthless bag of shit_

_Now they’ve fretted over you you piece of garbage –_

Footsteps – someone was coming inside. I looked up to see Maggie, wandering in and yawning, rubbing her eye tiredly and her arms sleepily.

“Maggie?” I asked timidly.

Everything was terrifying.

She looked at me sharply, her eyes widening in shock, identical in color and shape to my own.

“Wha –“ I began. I needed to know what had happened.

“POMFREY!” she screamed, much too loudly, running to me and holding onto me – ouch – not so tight Mags –

Neville and Hermione were moving. Oh no. They were waking up – good thing Pomfrey was coming, I could focus on her instead –

“What is going on?” I mumbled, too disoriented to think much more clearly than this. Pomfrey was working on me, checking my pulse and other vitals. The other three were crying – no – sobbing – why oh why must they waste their tears on _me_ of all people –

“You were hit with a spell that damages and destroys your internal organs, and your lungs as a result filled with blood. You nearly died, and Sirius helped patch you up. And you have been unconscious for around a week,” Pomfrey explained.

_Fantastic._

“Wha – what spell?”

I was not ready for this shit.

“The one we do not have a name for yet – the purple spell – the one that damages your internal organs – the one that hit your friends Seamus and Neville, so I hear at one time – so please _sit still!_ Your friends have refused to leave this whole time, they’ve been anxious for you to wake up, but you _must keep resting!_ ” Pomfrey insisted.

Great.

Why did I always have to be such a _huge fucking burden on everyone I fucking cared about?_

_WHY COULDN’T I JUST DIE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON AND BE OUT OF THEIR LIVES AND LEAVE THEM IN PEACE?_

Then they could run away. Be safe. Have lives. DO what they want to _do._

_I was the one holding them back from that._

_I was so, so infinitely worthless._

“The whole time?” I asked, swallowing. Had Hermione really been here since I had fallen unconscious? I looked at her briefly but it was too painful to stay.

“Yes the whole time,” Pomfrey snapped, “Let me just do some tests and I’ll leave you lot alone. _Honestly_.”

I let her do tests all over me, checking every aspect of my walking corpse – it was the least I could do I supposed.

Neville and Maggie weren’t crying anymore, thank goodness, but Hermione still was – why – why must she feel guilty – she did nothing wrong – I was the one who did everything wrong, and then I hadn’t even had the common decency to apologize. I was horrible. She deserved so much better than me.

Well I’d take the chance to apologize now. Didn’t mean as much when I had nearly died but I had run out of options I supposed.

“Alright, you seem to be recovering as expected. You lot don’t stay for too long, he needs _rest_ ,” Pomfrey ordered. I felt bad we had spent so much of our lives torturing her. It wasn’t fair. She was just trying to do her job.

Maggie was smiling at me. How unlucky she was to be my sister.

“We’re so glad you’re alive,” she insisted.

“Thanks,” I sighed. I knew I had to respond appropriately at least.

“So I really almost died, huh?”

I almost managed to relieve you all of your burden.

I was such a _failure_.

Couldn’t bring myself to kill myself and then when I was killed I didn’t even die properly.

“Yeah,” Neville urged, “It was right terrifying, mate.”

Dammit, why must I _ALWAYS BE A BURDEN?!_

“Sorry for that – I mean, inevitable in war, right?” I mumbled.

“Seems to be,” Maggie murmured.

I swallowed. Time to apologize. Time to do it. Do it. Do it. Do it –

“I…. I …. Er…”

Damn idiot can’t even string two words together. I’m a damn stammering idiot.

“Don’t – Harry, you just recovered, you shouldn’t exert yourself too much,’ Neville begged.

Fuck that.

Who cared?

“No. No no no,” I shook my head as much as I could. I had to do it. I had to apologize. Maggie was frowning at me but I didn’t care.

“No, I nearly died, and I didn’t – no,” I shook my head again. I breathed deeply. I had to look at her when I said this, and it would hurt – it was going to hurt _so much_ but I had to do it.

“Hermione, I’m sorry,” I began, interrupting her, feeling terrible since she clearly was going to speak – oh Merlin she was so beautiful and crying so hard and in so much pain because of me the great worthless piece of garbage. I couldn’t look anymore. God dammit I was pointless.

“I know you’re about to say something about regret, or what have you, because of the fact I almost died, but I have to say this first, because – because you wouldn’t be saying this if I hadn’t nearly died, and I just – you deserve to hear this. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I was a prat. I’ve been – I’ve been going through so much lately. That’s no excuse, none at all, I just – I just can’t control my BPD lately. I just can’t. It’s been bad. Shae’s been having trouble helping me. Dr. Wilson can’t seem to help me either. I’m un-help-able. I’m a disaster. This is what broke me up with Ginny, I’m a grenade, I’m horrible around people – no wonder – and you didn’t deserve to be mistreated by me, because of my shit, and I’m sorry, I’m so – I’m so ashamed with how I treated you – how I took away your own agency in your life – how I wouldn’t be with you but also wouldn’t let you go – oh god – I was the worst kind of person – I’m so sorry – I’m so ashamed of myself that I can’t even look you in the eye right now – that’s why I haven’t tried talking to you since our fight – I knew I did everything wrong – I’m so sorry – I just wanted you to know that I was sorry. I’m so sorry. I’ll regret it for the rest of my life, but of _course_ you don’t love me anymore – how could you – I’m – I’m – I’m amazed I don’t push _everyone_ away nowadays, but beyond that, I treated you terribly, and I’m so sorry I did that, I’m so so so so sorry, and I just can’t stand that we aren’t talking anymore, I accept that you don’t love me anymore, but I can’t stand not being your friend, it breaks me up inside, it’s worse than anything I could have ever imagined, it’s completely your choice, but I have never been more miserable than I have been the past few weeks, and I just – I feel so manipulative right now, dammit, dammit I’m sorry, you don’t owe me anything, I’m sorry, I’m a grenade, I meant it, I don’t know why you’re all here, I’m toxic, I –“

I couldn’t breathe

I mean I couldn’t be fore but now I _extra special_ couldn’t breathe. I could barely think straight. Oh god. What had I done. What had I done. What had I done –

“Harry, calm down, this is the opposite of what Pomfrey said to do,” Maggie begged, reaching out and holding my arms.

“It’s alright mate,” Neville begged, “We understand the pitfalls of mental illness, we do.”

I couldn’t stop crying

Why couldn’t I stop crying.

I was so _pathetic_.

“I’ve ruined everything, I ruin everything, dammit dammit dammit,” I sobbed.

“Harry, please, please, _please_ calm down,” Maggie begged, “It’s alright, you don’t ruin everything, I _promise_ , Harry –“

“Hermione, I don’t know why you’re here, you have every right to hate me, and you have no obligation to be here for me, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’ve hurt you for all these years, I’m so sorry, please let yourself be free, I don’t want to hurt you anymore, I hurt everyone around me, oh God, please, please let me stop hurting you,” I sobbed, holding my knees up to my chest – ow – it was no less than what I deserved – ow – I felt like I was falling apart – I had fucked up _so much_ and hurt someone I love in the process –

“Harry I don’t hate you –“ Hermione said finally – her voice was always so hard to hear now, after what had happened –

“Why not? Why do any of you – why – I’m not worthy of anything – I –“ I blubbered out.

“Harry, take a deep breath,” Maggie insisted. I looked up. Our eyes met. I breathed in deeply. No matter what she and I were in this together. We were in it for life. And that was okay. She had tried to run and come back. It was fine. She knew what she had gotten into.

“Good, keep breathing deeply, okay?” Maggie begged. I nodded. In and out in and out in and out in and out in and out in and out over and over and over again. It hurt – my lungs were so clogged – so full of – blood –

“Harry, you’re spiraling,” Maggie brought me back – thank you sis – “I promise that no one thinks that you’re a grenade.”

“You don’t?” I found it so hard to believe.

“We don’t,” Neville agreed, “Harry, mate, we all love you – care about you – whatever. Being you is _hard_. None of us blame you for your BPD, and we understand what it entails.”

“Okay,” I mumbled, “I still – I don’t know how to say what I was saying without having a breakdown –“

“Just say you’re sorry for being a dick,” Neville shrugged. Maggie was laughing, and I couldn’t help but smile. It was so simple and true.

“I’m sorry for being a dick,” I said to my lap, though I hoped she knew I meant it for her.

“Harry, I forgive you.”

Music –

That was music –

Sweet glorious music –

“Thank you,” I mumbled, “I don’t deserve it.”

“Harry you – you’re sick,” Hermione begged, “And I don’t think the severity of it ever dawned on me. I’m not happy with what you did, but I understand what motivated it, and that a lot of it wasn’t really in your control.”

“Thanks,” I murmured. That was fair. My logical side knew that was fair, no matter what my BPD screamed at me. “That means a lot.”

“Harry, when I thought you had died – I – I regretted everything. Every single thing,” Hermione explained –

My heart –

It hurt _so much_ –

“I thought that I had fucked it all up because I wasn’t willing to be more understanding about your BPD –“

“You shouldn’t have to be, if you can’t keep up with it then –“

“Harry, can you please look at me?”

I looked up. She was crying – why did I have to make her cry? Why did I have to hurt her? I couldn’t look and see the damage I had caused, but she wanted to look at me, so I had to.

“I’m sorry, it just hurts to look at you, I…” I swallowed as Hermione watched me silently, “It’s like my heart is getting smashed with a hammer, but I can, I can do it.”

“Harry –“

“I just know I screwed everything up because I took too long to feel the same way about you, and when I did I was a prick,” I sniffled, I was going to cry again but I held it back, “So I both – I see you and I – regret, and self loathing, and longing, and it’s hard, but I can, and I can get used to it, I’ll have to, if I want to be friends – do you want to be friends? Please can we be friends – not talking to you is worse –“

I don’t want to push you away anymore.

Please just be my friend again.

“Harry please, I know you’re panicking, but can I please talk?” Hermione asked. I squeezed my mouth shut. Had to let her talk. Had to let her talk. Had to let her talk.

Stop taking away her time to talk.

“It’s okay, I understand,” she murmured. Why was she so good, so pure, caring, so understanding, and I so _not_ those things? Why was I so _not_ good for her?

“Harry, when I thought you had died, it was as if – someone had torn my hear tout of my chest. It doesn’t matter that I was mad at you – it didn’t matter that I thought I had convinced myself I no longer cared for you – it was that pain, it was that very fresh, very sharp pain. I thought you had died. And I was regretful too. So regretful. You screwed up. I didn’t really give you a chance to apologize – and now you have – and –“

“What are you saying?” I begged. My heart was in my throat. My chest was clenching too tight. What was happening?

“I’m saying – I’m saying I love you,” Hermione gasped.

“You – you still do? After everything?”

How –

_How could anyone love me?!_

“I do,” Hermione repeated, “Harry, you’re a broken person – but I knew that already. I always knew that. And I’m a broken person too, so there’s that.”

“Not as broken as me,” I mumbled. Impossible. Impossible to be as broken as me.

“You’d be surprised,” Hermione was smiling, and it made my stomach swoop, and I didn’t know how to handle that, “At any rate, yeah. I do. I love you.”

“I love you,” I had to say it right away. I had to reassure her. I had to make up for being a _prat_ for five whole damn years.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I fucked everything up.”

“You didn’t fuck everything up,” Hermione murmured.

“I don’t – I don’t see how we can be – after what I did –“ I stammered.

“You underestimate the pain I’ve been in,” Hermione whispered.

Oh no

I _kept_ hurting her

Oh no

Now we really couldn’t be together

“I don’t think I do, since I’ve – I’ve also been in this pain,” I whispered before I could stop myself.

“But how could you – how could you be with someone like me – I’m a grenade – I’m going to hurt you again – I’m going to hurt everyone again – I know it – I know it – Hermione you’re not doing the right thing, you need to leave, you’re –“

“Harry!” Hermione tried to interrupt me but I couldn’t stop rambling. She needed to leave. She needed to save herself.

“I’m toxic, I’m going to hurt you again, and I won’t be able to – to stop it – and I don’t _want_ to, because I _love_ you, but I can’t help it, I’m so terrified of losing people – and I’m losing you right now – I lose everyone – I’m self destructive – I’m going to die in this war and it probably will be because I’m reckless – you deserve someone better – better than me – you deserve better than me – you deserve the world – I fucked up – I’m sorry Hermione – I’m sorry you fell in love with me – I’m so sorry – I’m worthless –“

Why did I have to hurt the people I care about?

“Harry!” Hermione shouted. I pressed my lips together tightly. Let her talk, dumbass. I looked at her, sniffling and crying, trying to stop.

“Would you just – just –“ Hermione stammered out.

“What?” I asked.

Hermione grunted angrily – oh no – was she going to hurt me – I deserved it –

She was diving towards me –

What –

My face was in between her soft small hands –

She was kissing me –

Oh god –

Her lips were on mine and they were soft and wonderful and perfect and oh God oh God oh God I couldn’t handle this this was the best thing that had ever happened could we keep kissing forever oh please oh please oh please –

I couldn’t help it, I whimpered, I needed to keep kissing her forever no matter what, oh God, Hermione –

I needed her closer. She had been too far away from me for too long and she was kissing me now so I needed her closer. My voice of self loathing was dumbfounded – there was no way – no way anyone could ever kiss me like this if I was totally worthless – I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer. Oh she was on the bed now – oh _darn_. What a _bummer_.

But she didn’t shy away – oh – oh her legs were around me now – okay – wow – this was not a very thick sheet – I could feel so much of her – she was so small and fit so neatly on top of me – oh bloody hell – this might be too much – I was too injured but – it felt so nice to have her locked in with me, her body fit so nice against mine – so small and fragile and yet not because she was _Hermione bloody Granger_ and if anyone could kick your ass it was _her_. She kissed me again and and again and I kissed her back and I wanted to moan again but I stopped myself – didn’t want to scare her. This was all so new. Such soft, comforting lips. Such curly, soft hair. Such soft skin – oh her skin was too soft. Too soft. Noooooo I couldn’t actually handle this. She was too much but wonderful and I couldn’t stop kissing her and I would never stop kissing her and we would kiss forever if I had to put it into law I would.

Neville and Maggie were talking but I didn’t care. They could deal with it. We had to deal with them all the time, after all.

Oh – Hermione no – she had broken apart from me. I opened my eyes to look at her, and she was so beautiful and wonderful and so _Hermione_ , such a force of nature, such a brilliant amazing wonderful person, I was so lucky, her eyes were so beautifully brown – I couldn’t help but laugh from pure joy – she laughed too – I had to kiss her again – I pulled her closer to me and pressed my lips happily to hers and I couldn’t stop myself from moaning but then she moaned to – it was such a small sounds, so quiet and yet so intimate and my heart was going much too fast I needed to relax to get better to be with her but that was okay if I died from kissing it wasn’t a bad way to go –

“Should we, er, come back later?” Neville said.

She pulled back from me and I wanted her back and kissing me again, but she nodded against my head, her nose and forehead touching mine and making me giddy. I nodded too, and I could hear them scamper away, so I pulled her back for another kiss, now more urgent, because they were gone now and I _really_ didn’t care, I just needed more kisses and more touches and more of her, so much more of her, oh Hermione –

“Harry,” she whispered, pulling back from me.

“Yeah?” I asked, swallowing. Oh god. Those kisses were nothing. Oh god. It was already over and it hadn’t even started –

“We should talk about what happened, you know?” Hermione murmured, “Because I was in a lot of pain…”

“Yeah – yeah okay,” I agreed quietly.

“I love you, don’t worry, I want – maybe what we want first? Just to put us both at peace,” Hermione offered.

“Hermione, I would go off and marry you right now if you wanted,” I stated immediately. She blushed furiously in the moonlight, her eyes widening in shock.

“Well that seems a bit drastic, doesn’t it?” she laughed weakly, her face still flushed like mad.

“I don’t care – I fucked up so bad – and this war is so terrifying – everything’s drastic,” I stated simply.

I thought about marrying her all the time.

About going home to her every night for the rest of my life –

Of waking up next to her in the morning –

Of holding her as we fell asleep –

Of her being a constant in my life, for however long that was – and who knew how long it would be –

I knew I didn’t want to die anymore at least –

If I got to kiss her, why would I _ever_ want to die?

“Oh Harry,” Hermione murmured, gently stroking the hair form my face. Her fingers were so soft. I marveled at every touch with her – every caress, every shift of her body against mine – so soft and small and wonderful –

“I would love to get married, but not right now,” she laughed.

“That’s… fair,” I blushed furiously.

“I don’t think Neville and Maggie would appreciate us beating them. I don’t think anyone would appreciate us doing so so _fast_ ,” she giggled, “And who knows – I think we’ll be good together but we should actually _be_ together for a little while before we get _married_ , you know.’

“Yes – yes you’re right,” I admitted, “I just – everything’s scary.”

“Yeah,” Hermione agreed softly, “Well I’m in this. I promise.”

“So am I,” I agreed.

“Not being together is so much worse than whatever negative affects could come from being together,” Hermione whispered.

“ _So_ much worse,” I agreed, tightening my arms around her. She nestled closer to me, her hair tickling my shoulder and neck. It was so nice and soft.

“So you want to get married, huh?” she asked softly.

“I want to be with you forever, whatever that entails,” I answered back just as softly.

“Okay…” she paused, “I want to be with you forever.”

“Oh good, you had me worried there,” I murmured. She laughed softly, as though I were joking –

“No, no, don’t worry Harry – I’m sorry I’m laughing, just – to think that a month of being furious with you could undo _years and years_ of being hopelessly in love with you so thoroughly –“

“I’m sick,” I reminded quietly.

“Yes,” she agreed, looking up at me, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” I gently stroked her cheek, and she leaned happily into my fingertips, murmuring softly with joy.

“Well I wouldn’t mind getting married but Harry – you do know – I’d – I’d want to have a Jewish wedding,” Hermione explained softly.

“Oh – oh of course – I – I always assumed that,” I stammered out, “The few times I let myself – fantasize about this – I knew it should be Jewish.”

“Oh good,” Hermione smiled weakly, kissing me softly, “And – I’m a woman, you know.”

“Yes, this is an accurate statement,” I laughed softly, “I tend to only be attracted to women after all.”

Hermione giggled in appreciation, “Well, I just… Because of that our kids will be Jewish, too, at least, I’d like them to be.”

“Yes,” I nodded rapidly, “I’m completely fine with this. I have no real emotions about religion but I know you really value yours – we can raise them Jewish if you would like to, no problem.”

She smiled weakly, “I love how we just agreed we were having kids before talking about… literally anything else.”

I felt my eyes widen rapidly.

Shit –

“I’m amused, not alarmed, Harry,” she laughed quietly.

“I just – I don’t know – I love you, I want there to be more little you’s everywhere,” I stammered out.

“That’s a good reason,” Hermione smiled weakly, “Similar to my own.”

“Oh good,” I breathed, “I – we don’t have to though if you change your mind –“

“We can discuss more as time goes on, but right now I’d like to have a couple of kids, yes,” she reassured.

“Alright – I – oh man –“ I was so overwhelmed with everything. My brain was almost completely blank.

“Are you – are you alright?” she whispered.

“I’m – going – to – fuck – this – up,” I managed to gasp out. I barely felt like I could breathe. Hermione quickly rushed to sooth me, gently smoothing the hair from my face, kissing me on the forehead and mumbling softly.

“Harry, Harry, it’s okay – look – I understand,” she murmured, “I know you have BPD, I know that makes you like this, but I promise, I will understand, and we’ll work through it – no matter how much you try and push me away I won’t let you unless I’m sure it’s you being rational, alright?”

“How can you be sure?” I stammered out.

“Because I’m getting very good at telling apart what is rational-you and pushing-people-away-you now, and self-loathing you for that matter,” Hermione frowned, “You have different inflections in your voice for each one – different mannerisms – I think that’s why I got so mad about what you’d done. A lot of it was actual, logical you.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” I mumbled.

“I know, but – any way, you see now that I’m going to get hurt no matter what, right?” she whispered.

“I do,” I admitted softly, “I’ve known it – I’ve really known it all along but if something really cemented it for me it was you giving that speech at the last battle – or the battle before I went unconscious, whatever –“

“Oh?” she asked softly.

“It just really drove home how much you were in this without me, how much you were already a target despite me, and how adding on a layer of being my girlfriend wouldn’t actually contribute much,” I shrugged, frowning a little, “I – I felt terrible for my ignorance and hubris – I –“

“We all do stupid shit to protect the people we love. From now on we just have to talk more, okay?” Hermione offered, stroking my face again and making me shiver under her touch.

“Yeah,” I nodded, “I – I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I hate myself. I’m sorry that I push people away. I’m sorry I’m like this.”

“I’m sorry I’m like – how I am,” Hermione mumbled.

“How you are?” I asked. What did she mean?

“I have anxiety, Harry. I think too much. My thoughts literally go a mile a minute – has nothing to do with intelligence but in the amount of time you think maybe – one sentence? I’ve thought about five,” Hermione breathed, “I overthink everything. I catalogue everything. All my thoughts are going too fast, all the time, and it makes me so on edge – I can barely handle anything when things are normal and it doesn’t take a lot of stress to make me snap –“

“Do you do anything to yourself when you snap?” I asked worriedly.

“No,” she shook her head, “I just – I break down a little. I vomit – more than I care to admit. I panic and have to calm myself down. I don’t really – I’ve never told anyone about it – I –“

“Okay, okay,” I soothed, reaching up and stroking her hair and her face, cradling it in my hand, “Okay love, don’t worry. I understand and I’ll help however you need me to – I’ll hold back your hair when you vomit, I’ll talk through anything that’s bothering you, even if we have to do it a million times – I’m happy to help, because I understand, alright?”

“Alright,” she was flushed madly again, but nodded, “Alright. Thank you.”

“Of course,” I murmured, “You’d do the same for me.”

“I plan on doing the same for you,” she agreed.

“Thanks,” I whispered. She kissed me again and I moaned – I couldn’t stop myself, every time her lips were like heaven – immediately, holding her close to me.

“Harry,” she whispered, pulling back, “I’ve felt so alone.”

“So have I,” I agreed, sniffling a little.

“I – I’ve missed you so much,” she sobbed. I quickly reached up to wipe the tears from her face, gently pulling them away from her and kissing the places where they had fallen.

“I’ve missed you just as much, I promise,” I murmured, “I’ve been a self-loathing wreck.”

“I’ve been – lonely – scared – terrified even – these badges –“ and now she was wailing. She was crying very hard and very heavily and I was panicking – oh no – how do I help? But I stopped myself. She needed me and I couldn’t fuck it up. I gently held her in my arms and pressed her head into my chest, stroking her hair and murmuring softly. Oh Hermione. How could they hurt you like this? How dare they stick these badges on your arm and make your think you’re going to be killed in a concentration camp? How fucking _dare_ those fucking dickwads? I would burn all of them to the ground for this.

“Hermione it’s going to be okay,” I promised.

“H-How –“

“if they try to take you away for whatever reason – be it your religion, your race, your sexuality, your mental health, the fact that you lead the rebellion – I will fight to take you to safety. If I have to fight them I will – I will burn the Ministry down to get to you – and if I just have to fight to keep you away that’s fine too. We’ll run, and we’ll run somewhere safe, and screw the war, I don’t care, I just want to make sure you’re safe,” I rambled.

“Thank you,” she whispered, looking at me in awe.

“I know we can’t abandon the war – I’m not saying I’d do this willy nilly – but I’m not going to let them take you away and that comes first for me,” I murmured.

“Okay,” she nodded, “I – Okay.”

“No comment on that?” I asked nervously. I had fucked up again – oh no – oh no I was pushing her away by being too controlling – oh no oh no oh no oh no –

“No I – I’m thankful,” she began sobbing heavily, “I don’t want to think about it anymore because of how scared I am but thank you, thank you, thank you –“

I held her tighter to me at her crying, stroking her back lovingly, my hand so huge on it, like some sort of paw. She nestled up closer to me, her head resting in the crook of my shoulder as tears poured onto it. I kept stroking her back and murmuring soothingly, because if there was one thing I was going to do, it was make sure she felt safe again.

“Hermione, please tell me what I should do to help you now – I want you to feel safe –“

“Let’s talk about something else,” she mumbled.

“Okay,” I agreed softly, kissing her lovingly on the nose as she looked up at me again, “So… are we boyfriend and girlfriend now, then?”

“I think so,” she laughed softly, “Are you okay with that?”

“I am one hundred percent completely on board with that,” I nodded, “I love you so much.”

“I love you so much,” she responded, smiling happily at me, “I’m so happy – so happy we’re here – now –“

“I could do without the injuries,” I grimaced. My lungs felt so _weird_ and _pained_ and _full_.

“I know – I promise we’re going to get through this, Harry, I’m going to help you be better again,” she murmured. I kissed her lovingly at that, holding her tighter and closer to me.

“Thank you Hermione,” I whispered. She smiled happily at me, nuzzling against my chest and breathing steadily.

“I’m so afraid of you dying in the war…” she whispered quietly after a long while.

“I’m so afraid of you dying in the war,” I agreed softly.

“So then I guess we both have to live, huh?” she asked.

“Yeah, I don’t think we have another option,” I murmured.

“I believe in us,” she offered.

“So do I. We’re strong. We’re fighters. We can come back from anything, even me being a dick and you screaming at me justifiably for it,” I laughed weakly.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” she sighed.

“I’m sorry I was a dick,” I repeated.

“All is forgiven,” she smiled, looking up at me. I gently pulled her up more, kissing her lovingly, holding her face in my hands and stroking it with my thumb and fingers. She sighed happily into my kiss, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pulling herself closer to me.

“Harry?” she asked quietly.

“Yeah, love?” I answered softly, and she blushed happily at the word.

“I… you know I’m asexual, right?” she asked.

“Yes, yes I do, and we will never do anything unless you one hundred percent want to – never ever feel pressured because I am sexual, okay? Please, please, _please_ never talk yourself into doing things because you feel I want to, because I don’t want to do anything with you that you don’t want to do –“ I rambled.

“Thank you,” she murmured softly, kissing me lovingly, “I love snogging. I am not sex repulsed, so I don’t think – I think I might even like it, if we tried? But not for a while and I’m sorry that my libido is fairly low even without the asexuality.”

“That’s okay,” I reassured, nodding rapidly, “I love snogging too and honestly the thought of doing other things right now – or even in the near future – is very overwhelming.”

“Oh good,” she breathed.

“And again, if we never did it – even to the point of not even doing it to have kids – I would – I wouldn’t feel like I’d missed out, okay? Because – I’m not going to lie, Hermione, Ginny and I did some sexual things, and I enjoyed them, don’t get me wrong – but pleasure isn’t worth not being with you. I love you so much I – it’s already better than a thousand orgasms,” I stated frankly. Hermione blushed furiously but nodded.

“If you’re – sure – what did you and Ginny do?” she asked timidly.

“Er… mouth stuff,” I explained nervously, “Sorry I – I don’t know if you needed to know that or not – fuck –“

“No it’s okay. I’m glad I know,” Hermione nodded, “I – you’re sure you won’t be deprived?”

“Positive,” I nodded rapidly, “Again, I want to be with _you_ , and I’ve known you were asexual for over a year. That’s okay. It really really is.”

“Okay,” she breathed, “Fred and I never got past kissing.”

“That’s not really surprising,” I laughed a little.

“Well I mean – maybe, if we had been together longer,” she admitted, “I’m _curious_ about these things…”

“We’re going to do stuff and you’re going to treat it like a science experiment aren’t you,” I smirked at her, raising an eyebrow.

“I… probably,” she admitted.

“That’s fine,” I laughed, “Again I don’t care what or how or when or – I guess I care a little about where, like, somewhere comfortable and private – or if. I just want you to be happy and comfortable in our relationship.”

“Thank you,” she murmured softly, kissing me again. I held her tighter to me and she slowly moved her lips against mine, massaging them lovingly and gently stroking my face. I moaned softly into her mouth and she moaned in response, such a small, soft sound, her body now insanely close to mine again on top of the sheet, moving and shifting next to me so much that I could feel every inch of her wriggle around. Her hair was so soft and curly that I couldn’t stop myself from running my fingers through it, and I marveled when we broke apart to cuddle at the contrast between her tanned skin and my pale skin. She was soft and small and brown, and I was burly and bulky and pale, and her hand fit perfectly in mine, though mine could almost envelope it.

She sighed, looking over at me and kissing me again. I squeaked in surprise and pulled back.

“You alright?” I asked her softly.

“Yeah I just – I don’t want to leave,” she admitted softly.

“That’s fair,” I nodded, “You should stay here. I need some company anyway.”

“Okay,” she blushed madly.

Truth was, I wanted to sleep next to her every night from now on, but I’d settle for just a couple.

She shimmied under the blanket and curled up next to me, her head resting on my shoulder, her arms wrapped around my waist. I pulled her face up from my shoulder and kissed her again, gently massaging her lips with mine. We kept kissing, her pressing her lips lovingly into mine and moving them slowly and sensually. Her hands roamed gently all over my torso and stomach, making me shiver with happiness and I couldn’t help it, some sexual anticipation for things that would not come. I couldn’t help how she made me feel as she gently touched my arms and legs and side. She was so soft and small and perfect and it drove me wild. I kissed her a bit more passionately, and suddenly I could feel her tongue against mine, and I was a goner, I was a goner forever, oh man I couldn’t get enough of this – her tongue was small too, but it was eager, exploring every inch of my mouth eagerly and needfully as I started squirming a little against her. She giggled and pulled back, smirking at me.

“No pressure, huh?” she teased.

“I – can’t – help my natural reaction, you’re _really good_ at kissing,” I blushed. Was she commenting on my shifting around, or on my unfortunate boner?

“It’s fine,” she laughed, “I’m just amused. I know you’re not acting on it.”

Ah. The boner then.

“We’re in bed and you’re small and soft and close to me, and you’re kissing me so gently – I can’t help it –“ I blabbered.

“I know,” she giggled, “I’m enjoying it too. I feel so close to you.”

“So close,” I agreed. My heart was still racing in my chest.

“Are you going to be okay? Do you need a glass of water?” she teased.

“I did _almost die_ recently you know,” I stuck my tongue out at her.

“That’s true, I’m sorry,” she flushed madly, “I want to block it from my memory.”

“I know,” I soothed, gently stroking her hair and pressing her face up to mine, enjoying her soft cheek against my cheek, “Love, it’s okay.”

“Can you handle this or should we sleep? I want you to get better – I want to help you, you need rest –“

“I’d enjoy a little more snogging, but sleep soon I think,” I murmured sheepishly.

“Okay love,” she agreed, and the word made me so giddy that I immediately reached out to kiss her, her sort of straddling me again as her limbs wrapped all around me. I ignored my body’s reaction – it was all to much for me to control it – and just enjoyed touching her, in stroking her back and her neck, in wrapping my tongue around hers and gently massaging hers with mine. She squeaked happily and her tongue lovingly stroked every inch of my mouth, making me moan and squirm despite myself underneath her. I gently pulled back, my heart going at breakneck speeds, my breath coming out in small little pants.

“You’re really good at this,” I whispered.

“Fred and I did… a _lot_ of snogging,” Hermione admitted.

“I can’t even – form a coherent thought right know –“ I stammered. She giggled madly.

“A genius, a brilliant fighter, compassionate, fierce, and apparently an amazing snogger. Wow. I have the complete package,” I continued. She flushed madly.

“Oh come off it –“

“I’m serious! You’re amazing. I don’t know why I didn’t fall in love with you sooner,” I shrugged.

“You were stupid?” she offered.

“Compared to you I definitely was, so that works,” I nodded.

“Well it’s okay now,” she laughed. I kissed her softly, now running my fingers through her hair – there were some knots so I gently teased them out, though I was still distracted by her shifting a little on top of me. Every movement of her body made me much, much, _much_ too excited, as her tongue now ran along the edges o f my teeth.

I moaned quietly and held her as tight as I could – which wasn’t very tight – holding her to me, keeping her in place as I gently shifted underneath her, unable to stop myself. She kissed me more and more softly, but still much faster with each kiss, her lips moving a little more furiously against mine.

This was soon going to be much too much. My voice of self loathing was laughing – it was regaining its composure – it was going to tell me I was pressuring her –

“Hermione?” I whispered softly.

“Yeah?” she answered, pulling back and blushing.

“I love snogging with you _so much_ ,” I paused, “But it’s late and – and – I don’t want you to think I’m pressuring you –“

“I don’t,” she promised.

“Good cause – cause I’m not, I swear –“

“I know you’re not,” she reiterated.

“I – I can’t help it – snogging you is so wonderful –“

“I know,” she laughed again, “Let’s sleep. You need to recover and I’m probably making you too… let’s call it agitated.”

“Yes,” I agreed, “I am quite agitated. And antsy. And pent up. And worked up. And –“

“Yes,” she giggled, kissing me softly, “Yes, you should rest.”

I nuzzled up against her and she rested on my chest, kissing me once more – oh sweet, sweet kisses – before closing her eyes and nuzzling up against me again.

“I love you,” she murmured.

“I love you,” I responded, gently stroking her hair.

“Good night,” she mumbled sleepily.

“Good night,” I responded, watching her fall asleep slowly, before she was softly snoring, her breaths coming out in ragged tones that made me giggle. I listened to her snore for a while and watched her sleep, enjoying how adorable she was and how she was in love with me and how I could look at her face now without being in pain. She was softness, she was love, she was amazing, she was wonderful, and I was so glad to have her, I was so glad to be with her, to have her in my life, to be safe wit my Hermione, because no one would ever get to hurt me with her around. What had I been thinking? Why would I ever try to keep her away?

I could actually, probably, definitely handle this war – if I was with her.

**Author's Note:**

> Finally wrote that! Yay Harmony! I don't know why I can't stop writing. Someone send help. PLEASE comment, thank you! I really would sincerely appreciate it. 
> 
> I probably won't write the Hermione version myself because Hermione POV is terrible and I want to avoid it as much as possible. That woman needs to think less. 
> 
> Seriously, comment - thanks :)


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